I just want to start by apologizing, this will not really be a typical uplifting post with bible verses, thought out words and prayer. This is truly a heartfelt splurge of randomness in order for me to go on about my day and have the strength I need to get through this week. I know we all have these moments...
First I ask for you to pray over our family, we are going to be in need of prayer for several months. I can with 100% certainty tell you that the devil is working very hard to prevent the changes the Lord has for us. I have never cried in church like I did this morning. Tears of pain, tears of anger, tears of hurt, tears of deep deep sorrow. I had not felt the hurt I felt this morning in some time. The message was one of hope at the same time it made me feel so terribly guilty. I don't know why this weekend played out the way it did, where my husband missed two very important events that could have been the start to possibly changing our lives for the better. I am praying that God was just not quite ready. Maybe his heart was not ready, maybe he would not have heard the words that were spoke today the same way I heard them. Maybe it was meant for my youngest son to sit there today with me alone, while I basically melted down in church. I actually had to get up and leave and barely made it to the truck, I almost could not walk that is how overcome I was just with raw emotion.
Some of you that follow my blog know our deep story. The struggles we have faced and why. You know how hard of a path we have faced and that even now as I continue to pray and be a strong supportive wife and mother I wait for answers and changes. Today I sat in church just pleading with the Lord for it to be now. The testimony that was spoken was one that were words I would love to hear, it was God showing me that He can do it, that it does take time and that he was providing us with the people to help us. We have sought help before and to be brutally honest were so let down.
Today I feel tired, I feel sad, in some ways I feel betrayed. There is just this little spot of hope and there is this huge spot of fear. Fear that we have been here before. Fear that we are about to endure some very difficult times and I am so raw that I don't know that I can do it alone. I know I have the Lord in my life, I feel his presence every day. I just also know that I need more. I need friends, I need support from others. It is very real for the first time in my life. I look at the fact that I need more tests done and in a way sit and wonder if the Lord really is going to allow my fears in order to do His Work. On my drive home I prayed, "Lord let your will be done." I am ready to possibly face this challenge, this chapter in our lives, if this is what will help change my husband. If this is what will help bring him closer to the Lord and to us.
So please pray for us. I do not know what battles we are about to face but I can feel the storm approaching. I am planting my feet firmly in him and no matter what I am not walking away. Even though I can't stop shedding tears today I know that I feel excitement that one day we will be the family he intended us to be, its exciting that this may really be our time..