Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. (NIV)
I have had a very rough week. Having Bipolar depression can really be a trial at times. I am so blessed in that I have accepted it and am able to really pay attention to my warning signs. It has not always been that way. When the kids were little I struggled so much by it, emotionally, physically, mentally. It affected every area of my life.
This week my highs and lows have been on opposite ends, meaning I have felt no middle ground at all. I know some triggers for me- lack of a clean house- huge cause, especially wherever my living quarters are. Lack of exercise can also play into it, what or what I don’t eat. I have always had a desire to be free of it so I have spent a lot of time learning about it and myself and how to manage. I continue to manage drug free. I have been since Oct of 2006.
Thursday I hit the lowest I have been in years. I was very scared, very much in fear and very much needed my mom, who is no longer here. Its interesting how much I talked with her and was honest nearly every step of the way with my condition. I think that honesty allowed me to become free of the medicines that in all reality did me so much more harm than good because I had to take a cocktail in order for them to work.
Yesterday the Lord had a plan, that plan was for me to go to my cousin’s house and spend time with his wife; some for fellowship, some for craft, some holding their son, who is a newborn. I felt a little less threatened after leaving. It was good to be able to be honest with someone and not have them judge you (me). It was good to get my mind away from it and just cast those fears and worries upon the Lord.
Today I approach a huge task, I feel the anxiety rising within me, I feel the pressure and some fear of tackling my house. I worry about throwing myself into a huge Manic cycle. I really do love the Manic areas. I can move mountains while in them, but they come at a high price- which is the low valleys. I know I have to try and maintain a balance so that I don’t spend days on the High, because days on the low are harder to get out of. I have a set number of things that I would like to accomplish. I have split it into two days and I continue to pray and seek guidance. I feel like if there is anything I have truly learned about being Bipolar, it is that I have to lean on the Lord so much more to get through days like today and he has to be my complete center. With that comes honesty and no secrets, leaving myself very open and vulnerable yet maybe in some way touching the life of someone else who goes through something very similar in their own lives.