Today did not start out so well. I will be the first to admit. I did not sleep well knowing that my moms birthday was today. I was so incredibly sad. Been crying a lot the last couple of days. I just miss her so much. Its strange that the emptiness has grown recently and not decreased. I think part of it is being alone so much. Makes me think way to much. In some ways though I am finding that may be God's Plan. To allow me time to heal, to think, to meditate, to turn fully to him in this time. Even though I prayed that she would finally go in those last 24 or so hours, it is not easy to realize this is it, at least until I one day go to heaven and can see her again.
I am so thankful for the time I had with my mother. Things were not always easy. We really had some rough patches. I think more than anything because she was so young and also just the fact that I am super independent. I also tend to think way to much and that caused us much distress.
I am so thankful that she always expressed how wonderful I did at being a mother. She never ever questioned that once. I take comfort in that knowledge, as I strive so hard to be the best I can for my children.
She was very supportive of my quilting. She truly believed that one day I would have my own company with my own employees and that my calling to teach would be in quilting and crafts. I used to laugh at her but I can see it. My quilting business has grown. Just today I find myself so so thankful when I get an order for a quilt- that I just posted yesterday! I had made the quilt for another customer, who I do not know- online. I had just finished it and posted the pictures and today- on my mother's birthday a woman bought that exact quilt for me to make for one of her two children- with a request for details on how to purchase a second quilt for her other child. How Wonderful! I still have four other inquiries I am waiting on- not always so patiently I admit.
God's timing is amazing. I was so down today- went and met my husband for lunch because my two friends had plans today and could not do anything. Even though I only had 45 min with him it was nice that he spared the time from work. I wanted to pick up flowers on the way home but i felt so guilty about it, so I passed on it. I come home check my ETSY account- and there was a new order.
It made me smile, knowing that the first thing I would have done- Call my mom. I would have been so excited she would have prayed a thanksgiving to our Lord and we would have awed in that moment. So instead, I played her favorite songs, sang along and praised the Lord for his continual support in my life. Knowing that she would have been so grateful to just hear my voice singing and spending a quiet hour with her.
I still pray for my dad, as I can't imagine the pain he is still enduring. I pray for my brother, sister and grandmother also.
For now I will remain thankful in today, not worry about tomorrow and Praise God for the time I had with her, even if it was much too short.
Psalm 139:13
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Job 1:21
and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
Proverb 23:25
May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!
Psalm 71:6
From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you.
This post brought a few tears to my eyes. Sometimes life is really hard. I often wish I could figure it all out. It's so good that we can simply pour our fears and grief into the hands of Jesus. I hope you're feeling better today.
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