Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Be a Light unto the World

Matthew 5:14-16
14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last couple of months. Loss is difficult. I feel pressure at times as I am typically very positive and generally try to look to the needs of others. Its been rough not having my mom but even more so not being involved in anything this year. Last year I had the school- which I served as Vice President. I also worked with the choir two days a week, science club etc. I was constantly out and about. Working with other women and children and being fulfilled in doing so. This summer was pretty quiet. I didn't see very many people at all and at the close of it lost my mom. It left me pretty empty inside.
I had worked really hard at getting a book of Tshirt quilts finished. One of which I am very pleased with now that I have the final product in my hands. Quilt orders really slacked off since this summer and money has gotten really tight again. I continue to apply for jobs that are available in our school district and fail to even get an interview. It is very discouraging to have a desire to serve and continually "get turned down".
It made me really look inside myself. Esp this last one as I worked in the library- giving my free time to the Book Fairs and other things. I really felt that job, being part time would be the answer to our household friends. I enjoy the librarian and the staff at the elementary school. I felt there would not be a conflict of interest since my children no longer attend the school- yet God has other plans, because I didn't get the job, never even got an interview.
I have had some interest in my quilts, no real orders though- just inquiries. I found that one problem in my life is not so much that I am not social outside of our home but that I forgot about my quiet time with our Lord. I have been so caught up in my grief and non understanding of why the answer is constantly no or not now...that I neglected those precious moments in my day.
I was/am still praying, seeking him but the moments that are not interrupted- the moments were I read his work and work in my book- I had set them aside.
I found it interesting that the book I had been working through prior to her death is from Women of Faith- Discovering Joy in Your creativity.
What an ironic thing. I don't feel joy right now I will be honest. I more have to make it. I have to look for it. I don't think anything is wrong with that. I feel that God gives us steps to work through in dealing with grief. Loss is interesting. I have lost three grandfathers- all of whom I knew very well. Lost two great Grandfathers and a great grandma, as well as an uncle- all of whom I knew but not as long in my life- still important though. This loss just doesn't quite compare.
It has been a blessing for our family in that we are trying to live more for today. Finish things we start. I have so many projects that are undone. I saw that when I was in my parents home. How many things my mom had started that will lay unfinished. It saddened me. She always thought there will be a tomorrow, and now that will not come- at least not in a human way. So being the week of her birthday I have set out to remedy that for myself. To remember we are to be a light to others. To get back to the basics- what life really is about and to finish up some projects just in case for me there might not be a tomorrow.
One project was a quilt I had finished a while back- just the quilt top. It was so pretty. I was terrified to quilt it. More because I wanted to stipple the quilt and I am still learning how to do that. Its a bigger quilt then I am used to for that type of quilting, but it turned out so wonderfully. I have no idea what I will do with it yet. I had intended to give it away, now I am not sure. Not sure that someone would purchase it, so for now it will sit- but sit finished. Today I started working on some quilt blocks my dear friend Des sent me some time ago. I have that quilt top about half way done. I am very happy that I am taking this week to remember my mom, honor her and remind myself to just be a light to others and God will continue to fill the light within me.
So what have you left undone lately?

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Pleasant words are as a honeycomb: sweet to the soul and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24