You know sometimes I find myself clueless as to what the lord wants. I know others have to feel the same at times also. I want so many things for my life. Some things are pretty normal, like being a good mom or wife or friend. I try to be one that is encouraging and loving and giving. I find myself often giving way to much of my time for things outside of our home. It is hard to balance it all isn't it?
I was sitting in church a couple Saturdays ago and I found I had this renewed deep desire to start a book that our Pastor and his wife wrote. It is called One Month to Live. It was written a while ago but I wanted to dive in. I find that often I am very discouraged in the morning or before I go to bed. Part of it I will admit is medical- the bipolar depression that lingers at times. However part of it very much is a spiritual battle too. I wanted something that would awake my system. I did get the first chapter in this week, I had hoped for the second one as well but we had a family crisis yesterday that deterred my attention. One thing that I found interesting was a question that was asked, What do you want your life to be like after reading this book.
My answers were fairly simple. Mainly a closer walk with Christ.
I find myself on my knees often in prayer more than ever as we are constantly looking for a way to pay for things, or provide certain things for our children and ourselves. I find that I have had to go out of my comfort zone and apply for jobs like being a waitress, or simply ask the Pastor for a job reference. One thing I never imagined was the love I have for volunteering at the school. How much it speaks to my spirit.
Watching these children at the book fair a couple weeks ago or at the Bulldog Store the school has shows me that we truly are not alone. That many are struggling with providing basic needs. I think in a way it is good to see that as it does not allow Satan to grab a hold of us.
This week the alternator in the truck went out and I did not know how we would pay for it, but we did. It did pull from money we had food wise but we just readjusted some things. I found it even more important to tithe.
The one thing I have learned from being out of work is that the children are really enjoying the extra time I have for them, whether it be up at the school or at home. I am grateful for this struggle because of this provision. My heart is always heavy when I have to miss something that they are in etc. For now that is not the case. I do want another job eventually but am finding myself cherish the moments I am being provided, to truly connect individually with each child. The younger two are in their last year of Elementary school. I feel God allowed this perfect timing to help me heal over the idea that I felt like a bad mom. I now recognize that is not the case at all. To have that be a lesson learned I feel will be very valuable as the world continues to press on about what the perfect mom is. I find that I am discovering what I can do to be that for myself. So while trial and tribulation may not be a joyful time, I do enjoy that I am finding the light in the midst of some of the darkness.